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Old 03-12-2013, 06:01 PM
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Default The Happy Hobbyist

Once in a while you come to realize that so many of our members really don't "get" the whole hobby experience, or rather, they understand that there are rules but believe they are somehow exempt.

So let's help them. Let's give some handy tips to make this a more wonderful experience for all. This is a pleasant place so let's keep it constructive... and be aware that the rules shouldn't just be for clients, you can also add some helpful tips that may help a new provider too!

Here goes:

1. Appointment time is at 2:00 pm, what time do I arrive?

Ummmmm. Hmmmmm. What part of 2:00 pm is ambiguous? A 2 o'clock appointment means you are at her door at 2. Not 1:55, not 2:10. It's seems petty but when you screw up her schedule, you may be screwing up MY schedule. I may be the appointment at 3. I have things to do... and my schedule may not be as loosey goosey as yours. I may be using a very small window of time or I may have "commitments" that see me arriving like clockwork elsewhere. Regardless, when the little hand is at 2 and the big hand is at 12, be where you are supposed to be.

2. "I am awesomely wicked good in bed, and I often masturbate to pictures of myself nude, because I am that good looking. Can we negotiate a better rate?"

In a word, No. Would you go to a restaurant and say, "I am a really good eater, can I get a better price on that steak?" Would you go to a lawyer and say, "I am an awesome criminal, can you represent me for free?" Would you go to the dentist and say, "My teeth are so bad that you should fix them all for $50!"

A service provider gets paid at a set rate because she is a professional. She is good... no, not just good... wickedly awesome good, at what she does. Your part is the compensation, her part is the wicked awesome part. Pay the pretty lady and be happy.

3. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Ever step into an elevator and stand next to someone who smells like they have never met a bar of soap they liked? Ever met someone that looked like they were an extra in the Walking Dead? Have you ever gone into a bathroom after someone and wondered if they ate something dead?

Step one. Go to the potty. Do your business. Wipe. Wipe again. Wipe again. and then, wipe again. Do the optical test. Last wipe. Is there any residue? If yes, start over. If no, then proceed to step two.

Step Two. Shower. Clean EVERYWHERE. Rinse. Repeat. Did you pay attention to anywhere in particular??? Hmmm??? Go back to those places. Make em sparkle. (at this point I do suggest that artificial glitter is NOT necessary.) Get out of the shower. Towel dry (for pete's sake use a clean towel!)... apply a generous amount of deodorant/anti-perspirant. Brush your teeth. (if additional grooming is required, please do that too.)

Step three. Clothing. Go to the place where you keep your clean clothes. No. Not the place where you put the stuff that you THINK you can wear again. The CLEAN clothes. You know that stuff that you just took from the dryer and folded nicely?? That's the stuff. Wear that shit.

Uh oh... what if I have to do step one again?? Then repeat ALL the steps. Cuz skidmarks are not sexy. Febreeze showers are not acceptable.

4. I have to cancel, what do I do?

Give your head a smack. With a hammer. Stop. Now take a pointy thing and stick it with great force into your upper thigh, avoiding the artery. Now, go to your car. Start it. Open the door, put your foot beneath a tire and have someone put that car in reverse.

Cancellations? NOT COOL. We all know that shit happens. A death in the family. A sick kid. Decapitation with farm machinery. Thermonuclear war. Explosion of your planet from a death star ray. That shit is acceptable.... but you still owe the pretty lady an explanation AND a cancellation fee.

When you cancel, providers don't eat. When providers don't eat they get distended bellies and look like kids from the CARE commercials.

When you cancel, providers give not only you, but also your city, a bad reputation. This makes you masturbate more. Because you will never get laid again. Ever. You will over develop muscles in only one arm. Your clothes will fit poorly. People will figure it out and suspect you are the notorious masturbating king of cancellations. They will hunt you down and kill your family. Let's keep little Bobby and Joanie safe.

If you make an appointment, keep that appointment. Your family will love you for it.

5. "I'm a little short on cash. Do you think she will notice if the envelope is a bit short?"

In a word, yes. She will also point out that your penis is a bit short.... and that your skill level is a bit short... and that you cry like a bitch when you have your pathetic little man-gasm. Do you want that??? Do YOU WANT THAT, bitch??? Wow. That was a bit over-emphatic. Gonna step away from the computer and take a valium.

BACK!!!!

Where were we... yes. Shorting your provider. Not COOL. Remember, providers have special powers. They communicate telepathically. As soon as you walk out that door, she will know and so will all of her allies in the super friends. They will combine their superpowers and make sure that you never get wood again.... and if you do, it will be at inappropriate times... like at funerals or family gatherings or when talking to your grandfather or something like that.

Seriously?? Give your head a shake. If you are short then GET the money and make sure you have it set aside BEFORE you book. You will have a wickedly awesome good time... just pay the pretty lady what you agreed to and enjoy!

6. Can I pay her in drugs?

Hmmmm. Does your banker take drugs in lieu of money? Have you offered Rogers drugs in return for their cable/home phone/cell phone/internet bundle? When you get groceries at Loblaws, do they have a special drawer that says "financial equivalent in drugs?"

You know the answer. "No, you addled-pated simpleton."

Remember the distended belly part from above? Providers take cash because cash buys groceries, pays bills and looks pretty. Carrying cash will not get you arrested. Using cash is the engine that runs our capitalist society.

"All you need is cash, cash is all you need." The Beatles sang that, I think.

Your turn....

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  very well written and true and even a good laugh here and there!!!! Btw...signature below....hahaha
  
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  just loved it! You are great old dog! simple and awesome explanation! fools proof hehe
  
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  Damn right I have superpowers and a lot of SP friends! LMAO!
  
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  Read last page first. Thought people were exaggerating. Nope. I'm rotflmao as well!
  
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  #2  
Old 03-12-2013, 07:34 PM
Ga*****la L****nce Ga*****la L****nce is offline
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Gotta love you, OD!! :) xox

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Old 03-12-2013, 07:55 PM
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You made it so simple and easy to understand! You should become a Hobbyist mentor! Lol Btw loved the cleaningness part! As an MA i get to see many derriers, and looking at a dirty butt crack is a complete turn off!!!!

One more that actually happened yesterday or today... not sure.., client i have never met... First time contact.., IT WAS MY BDAY YESTERDAY... DO I GET A DISCOUNT? When you gp buy your bday cake, or a bottle of wine to celebrate do they give a you a discount (yes some restaurants offer you a free dessert.. But first show me your picture ID) ... As mention in previous thread from CK about discounts.., yes if you are someone that i have been seeing regularly i may give you a bday surprise, but do u approach a complete stranger and tell tehm it was my bday.., would you like to give me a gift? Lol

My 2 cents :-)

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  I don't know what part of this doesn't make sense. Great point!
  
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  but if you tell them its your birthday they might do something special... One gal showed wrapped in giant ribbon... best...
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Old 03-12-2013, 08:39 PM
Ga*****la L****nce Ga*****la L****nce is offline
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7. I am cleaning. Can we have BBFS sex?

Dear M. Delirious,

As a fertile woman, still in her sexual prime, I would be delighted to collect, ahead of time, 18 years of child support, and of course, a generous college and university trust fund for our child. Also, please consider the following as part of our contract: marriage, full salary from you when I am on maternity leave, upscale housing and 25 years of above average spousal support for a stay at home mom who enjoys the finer things in life, plus my regular hourly compensation for every time you would like to be intimate with me.
If you would like to discuss our future, long-term arrangement, please contact my lawyer for an appointment.

If the above is not a suitable option for you, perhaps the following will be: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Condom

Still not interested? Learn about what your potential new friends can bring to your life!
AIDS: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HIV/AIDS
STDs: http://www.cdc.gov/std/

And here is where you can play Russian Roulette: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=list+of+casinos+in+canada


Most sincere and warmest regards,

Gabriella xox
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The short answer to the question is... are you fxxxing crazy?!! ;)

Happy hobbying!

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Old 03-12-2013, 08:48 PM
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One minor exception to OD's post is timing, nothing wrong with 5 miniutes prior - must be the military in me many years ago.....

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  be there, but don't knock yet....
  
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  I arrive 5 minutes early, but find a discrete place to wait -- best option a corner store and buy breath mints.
  
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Old 03-12-2013, 09:03 PM
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You simply have no idea how much you have been missed Old Dog!

sweet kisses, cat

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Old 03-12-2013, 09:40 PM
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8. Safety first

If you are a guy you KNOW that wearing a condom is akin to drinking beer with a straw. It's not as good as without but in the end, it's not that bad.

Wearing a condom let's you go home to your significant other and not wear one. It's as simple as that. It also lets your wickedly awesome provider also go home to HER significant other (if applicable) and not have to demand that they wear one.

It creates that safe barrier between both of you and the great unknown. The likelihood is that you are both very clean and very safe... but why take the risk???

If I can only make one super serious point in this entire thread, it's this. STDs are ugly. HIV is heinous. AIDS is deadly.

Nuff said on dat.

9. Fragrance

I know it's aesthetics, but we all like to smell good. Many of us have a particular scent that just works with our body chemistry.

Not every commercially available scent is good. Ice Blue Aqua Velva is a manly scent that many of your grandfathers wore to cover the fact that their homes had no running water and that they could only bathe monthly. Aqua Velva, Brut and Hai Karate should not be worn by any man with a birth date after 1919. Bay Rum is used by pirates to kill scurvy and to keep other lonely, lusty pirates away. Anything that you purchased prior to the millennium should probably be used as drain cleaner. Febreeze is not an acceptable cologne.

Scent should be used in a delicate fashion. You should be able to smell it only at very close range. Ohhhh... and your twig and berries do not require the assistance of any eau de cologne. No. They. Don't. Spray cologne on your arm. Now lick your arm. Lick it again. And again. And again. And again. Now give that arm a suck... oh yeah baby, that's what I'm talking about.... lick that arm until it gives you the goods... STOP. What does your mouth taste like? That's why you don't spray stuff on your tackle and bait.

Ohhhhh... and here's a tip for both ladies and gents: If you are somebody that has sensitivities to fragrance PLEASE let it be known at time of booking. We all want to have a sexy time. Runny eyes, snotty noses and swollen tongues ... not so sexy.

10. First contact.

Ohhhh the jitters. You have seen her. She is beautiful. She has two of those, and one of those and a great one of those... she has a beautiful mind, she expresses herself so well.... she's funny!!! She's profound. She's smart. She's perfect!!!!!!!

I gotta write her. I have to PM her and ask if we can get together. I went to her website and checked the rates and the menu (like all SMART hobby guys do ;) ) ... and now I am ready to write her. I know what I want... I have the money put aside (thanks for reminding me of that Old Dog!!)... I am .... FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK.... what do I write???

Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack.

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 7 inch purple python of love poised and waiting for your girl cave <THWACK> ... okay... maybe that sounded a little stalker like, but I do get kudos for being more accurate. Thanks again for the head smack.

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 5.5 inch throbbing man stick just waiting for you to... <THWACK> ... okay... WTF??? Why do you keep hitting me????

Try "Hi Alotta, I saw your website and would be very interested in meeting you next Tuesday afternoon. Please let me know if that works with your schedule!

Thanks,
Happy Hobbyist."


Simplicity works. You aren't writing a Penthouse letter... you are booking with a professional provider. She knows you are interested. She will see your penis. (There I said the penis word. Whooops said it again.) No need to go into goofy graphic detail... plus when you write that stuff, you get that creepy smile and that's frickin' scary ... stop it now.

11. Bacon Sandwiches.

Providers - you know it. Bacon sandwiches save lives. It's not necessarily a deal breaker but I think it definitely would be a pot sweetener if you had bacon sandwiches as a mandatory refreshment at your incall.

I like mine toasted with lettuce, tomato, mayo and a little salt and pepper. Cut into triangles, but you don't have to cut off the crusts. MegForFun cuts off the crusts for me but that is because she loves me.

Bacon sandwiches will improve your business and will put you that much further ahead than providers who only provide ham sandwiches or cheese sandwiches and much further ahead than providers who don't make any sandwiches. Bacon sandwiches just make good business sense.

wait there's more.... later ;)

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Last edited by Old Dog; 03-13-2013 at 08:44 PM. Reason: Gabi stole number 7... love you!
  #8  
Old 03-12-2013, 10:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Dog View Post

Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack.


Truthfully, now I'm kind of tempted to open a letter to a SP with that just to see what kind of response I'd get ;)
  #9  
Old 03-12-2013, 10:12 PM
Ga*****la L****nce Ga*****la L****nce is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Old Dog View Post
10. First contact.

Ohhhh the jitters. You have seen her. She is beautiful. She has two of those, and one of those and a great one of those... she has a beautiful mind, she expresses herself so well.... she's funny!!! She's profound. She's smart. She's perfect!!!!!!!

I gotta write her. I have to PM her and ask if we can get together. I went to her website and checked the rates and the menu (like all SMART hobby guys do ;) ) ... and now I am ready to write her. I know what I want... I have the money put aside (thanks for reminding me of that Old Dog!!)... I am .... FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK.... what do I write???

Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack.

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 7 inch purple python of love poised and waiting for your girl cave <THWACK> ... okay... maybe that sounded a little stalker like, but I do get kudos for being more accurate. Thanks again for the head smack.

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 5.5 inch throbbing man stick just waiting for you to... <THWACK> ... okay... WTF??? Why do you keep hitting me????

Try "Hi Alotta, I saw your website and would be very interested in meeting you next Tuesday afternoon. Please let me know if that works with your schedule!

Thanks,
Happy Hobbyist."

Simplicity works. You aren't writing a Penthouse letter... you are booking with a professional provider. She knows you are interested. She will see your penis. (There I said the penis word. Whooops said it again.) No need to go into goofy graphic detail... plus when you write that stuff, you get that creepy smile and that's frickin' scary ... stop it now.
OD, what were you thinking? Come on! :sadomaso:

You forgot to include in your number 10 that NO lady wants to see a picture of their male junk :obs55:, big or small, shaved or not, in their introduction email ;)

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Old 03-12-2013, 10:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gabriella Laurence View Post
OD, what were you thinking? Come on! :sadomaso:

You forgot to include in your number 10 that NO lady wants to see a picture of their male junk :obs55:, big or small, shaved or not, in their introduction email ;)
Quite right!!!! No wiener pics!!!! Really guys, your little fella may be your pride and joy but frankly she has seen mine and it is so much better than yours, really.

Plus it's a known fact that emailing a picture of your penis decreases your sperm count and by exposing it to the internet, you could get a virus. Not a Trojan virus because you didn't wear one when you snapped the pic... you should have worn a condom... and now you will have cooties. Penis cooties. The worst kind of cooties. Penis cooties eat your penis from the inside out. You'll be standing there with a happy Johnson and one day it will just collapse in on itself. Fall off on the floor. Your cat will drag it away and eat it. Then your cat will die. Your kids will hate you due to the fact that you killed the cat. Your wife will leave you for a non penis emailing man because you are now a eunuch. You will have a mangina. Your mangina won't be of much use either because the cooties will eat that too and not in the good way. You will lose your job and become a homeless, penisless, pennyless, rotten mangina cootie freak. You will probably end up being run over by a bus filled with men who have never emailed a picture of their penis to anyone. And you deserve it.

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