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You made it so simple and easy to understand! You should become a Hobbyist mentor! Lol Btw loved the cleaningness part! As an MA i get to see many derriers, and looking at a dirty butt crack is a complete turn off!!!!

 

One more that actually happened yesterday or today... not sure.., client i have never met... First time contact.., IT WAS MY BDAY YESTERDAY... DO I GET A DISCOUNT? When you gp buy your bday cake, or a bottle of wine to celebrate do they give a you a discount (yes some restaurants offer you a free dessert.. But first show me your picture ID) ... As mention in previous thread from CK about discounts.., yes if you are someone that i have been seeing regularly i may give you a bday surprise, but do u approach a complete stranger and tell tehm it was my bday.., would you like to give me a gift? Lol

 

My 2 cents :-)

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You simply have no idea how much you have been missed Old Dog!

sweet kisses, cat

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Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack.

 

 

 

 

Truthfully, now I'm kind of tempted to open a letter to a SP with that just to see what kind of response I'd get ;)

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10. First contact.

 

Ohhhh the jitters. You have seen her. She is beautiful. She has two of those, and one of those and a great one of those... she has a beautiful mind, she expresses herself so well.... she's funny!!! She's profound. She's smart. She's perfect!!!!!!!

 

I gotta write her. I have to PM her and ask if we can get together. I went to her website and checked the rates and the menu (like all SMART hobby guys do ;) ) ... and now I am ready to write her. I know what I want... I have the money put aside (thanks for reminding me of that Old Dog!!)... I am .... FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKK.... what do I write???

 

Dear Alotta Fagina ... I have a 10 inch meat girder pulsing with lusty intent <THWACK> ... you're right maybe I was exaggerating, thanks for the head smack.

 

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 7 inch purple python of love poised and waiting for your girl cave <THWACK> ... okay... maybe that sounded a little stalker like, but I do get kudos for being more accurate. Thanks again for the head smack.

 

Dear Alotta Fagina... I have a 5.5 inch throbbing man stick just waiting for you to... <THWACK> ... okay... WTF??? Why do you keep hitting me????

 

Try "Hi Alotta, I saw your website and would be very interested in meeting you next Tuesday afternoon. Please let me know if that works with your schedule!

 

Thanks,

Happy Hobbyist."

 

Simplicity works. You aren't writing a Penthouse letter... you are booking with a professional provider. She knows you are interested. She will see your penis. (There I said the penis word. Whooops said it again.) No need to go into goofy graphic detail... plus when you write that stuff, you get that creepy smile and that's frickin' scary ... stop it now.

OD, what were you thinking? Come on! :sadomaso:

 

You forgot to include in your number 10 that NO lady wants to see a picture of their male junk :obs55:, big or small, shaved or not, in their introduction email ;)

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If I posted anything in this thread and once I got going ( not shooting down other ladies for responding, it's just the way I am once I start bitching. lol), it would be business suicide from there on out. Plus I had my little rant about this sort of thing in another thread. So in keeping my feisty mouth shut, take note hobbyists from Old Dog. He knows what he's talking about as he does have a way with the ladies. Hehe.

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12. I am Donald Trump's financial manager./I am Warren Buffet's accountant./I wrote the Income Tax Act./I am Sylvester Stallone's bodyguard. I know that I can help make the lady rich beyond her wildest dreams! (or) She'll never be safer, anywhere, anytime, than in my company. Can I offer to trade services?

 

Don't even in your wildest dreams imagine this is appropriate. It isn't. Ever. If she wants your help, she'll ask for it without being prompted. Accept that it's very unlikely ever to happen. Why? you may ask. For the sake of discretion and confidentiality, assume that she's already closer than you will ever be to Donald Trump/Warren Buffet/the entire CRA/Sly Stallone and recognize that the private details of her life, her money and her security are strictly none of your business.

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13. Rescue Me.

 

You are Prince Valiant. You are Captain Courageous. You are a schmuck.

 

You see a provider and become a regular, and then it dawns on you. I LOVE her. I frickin' love her. I am going to rescue that wanton woman from this life of abject misery and make her an honest woman!!!! I will shower her with stuff I can't afford and leave my wife and kids for her... because I know she loves me. She just had great sex with me, didn't she? (it was great for me, and I am sure once she woke up, it was great for her too!)

 

Schmuck. Schmuck!!! Double Schmuck.

 

You let the "fantasy" take hold of your reality and forgot that what you just shared was something that you just paid for. Over there. On the table. In that unsealed envelope. Providers are verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry good at making you feel fantastic - that's what they do, that's the JOB. Whoops did I just say that? Why yes, yes I did.

 

Forget what you see on TV. Forget what the moral majority says in the propaganda. Providers are real women who live in the real world and the job that they perform provides an income. Many providers could blow you away with their talents outside of CERB. They are interior designers, computer programmers, actors, writers, teachers, health care workers, office managers and artists doing this... so if you THINK you know better, think again.

 

Enjoy the fantasy. If she wants you in her life in another capacity, that's her call... not yours.

 

14. Did I mention bacon sandwiches?

 

Providers - I know I did mention it but I forgot to add that I like it on lightly toasted white bread. Easy on the butter.

 

Remember that well constructed bacon sandwiches will make you rich.

 

15. The Menu.

 

Now that we are fully aware that ALL providers wishing to be considered to be ELITE will have a supply of homemade delicious bacon sandwiches at hand, please be aware that there is another menu.

 

You know what I am talking about. The menu is there for your edification and for your adherence. In other words, special orders may not be available, or if they are available, there may be an upcharge. If it's not available, it's just plain not available. Don't push for it, don't try to sneak it in there, don't go there. In short, don't be a dick.

 

Now before you get all whiny like a little bitch that fell in the playground and skinned their knee, think. When you took the time to read the list of services available did it say that she had a penguin suit and was willing to feed you like a mama penguin feeds her chick? (really don't think about that, it's kinda gross.) Did it say that she would use a feather duster to clean your place WITHOUT using her hands??? No... it did not. (but if you find one like that, PM me, cuz that would be interesting to see.)

 

In all cases, Your Mileage May Vary. Nobody (except for me because I am special) gets everything they want. Be happy that you get to spend time with someone that special... because she will rock your world with stuff that is on the menu!

 

16. Appreciate her.

 

You have just spent time with the MOST incredible woman you have ever met. You are walking on a cloud. She just did things with you that you only dreamed about and you pinch yourself to see if this is all a dream.

 

It's NOT a dream. It's REAL.

 

Why not up the ante a bit? I mean she did make you a bacon sandwich for God's sake. She did things with you that you have wanted to do for eons. She smelled amazing.

 

It is not inappropriate to buy her a little gift. Like a yacht. Or a Ferrari. Or a mansion with a suite that I could live in. Okay... forget the yacht. Why not a little something something for her? Check her website. Many will give you ideas of her tastes.

 

Oh... and say thank you. Mean it. Respect her. If she approves of your review, post it. Let her know that she rocked your world.

 

It's late now... I must sleep.... but we are not done... yet.

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Old Dog, this thread is awesome.

 

It's all legit information but I'm really glad that (although you may prefer to have it somewhere else) your tongue is planted firmly in your cheek. I've really enjoyed it so far, keep it coming.

 

Chuck

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I have to agree, this thread is amazing Old Dog... I am loving every piece of it, and I cant stop laughing..., this morning at 630 am you put the first smile in my face :)

xoxo

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O D you are the best ! While I was brought up on bacon sandwiches I avoid them now.

 

However, next time I see you there will be a platter of sandwiches and all for you!! You Rock :icon_smile::icon_smile::icon_smile:

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Old Dog, you sir are hilarious. Funny how common sense isn't that common.

 

Thanks for the smiles

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Excellent advice! It's a good idea to see it spelled out as a reminder even for those who know it all already.

 

The bonus is that it was fun and funny to read.

 

Thanks

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20. Hey Alotta, can we book a 4:20 appointment, get it...420???

 

Dude. You need pizza. You need nachos. You need a pizza with nachos and KFC. You also need to rethink your priorities. You can't show up to an appointment high or piss drunk. No. You. Can't. That is a no no. People sometimes do silly things when they are under the influence of alcohol and drugs. I, in fact, proposed marriage to a horrible person when I was in such a state. When I recovered, she was Mrs Dog. There is absolutely no irony in that statement - she was a total bitch.

 

You see, just because you like to partake in a herbal vacation on a daily basis, don't assume that your provider does. If you consume liquor in lieu of say... food, you must also make that assumption that your provider might actually eat rather than just drink.

 

You MIGHT think that drugs and alcohol make you sexy. Ummmmm. No. That's a pee stain on the front of your pants. Not. So. Sexy.

 

Bottom line? Drugs and alcohol make people do stupid things. You can do this your friends. You can do this with your family. You can NOT do this with your provider. NEVER show up drunk or stoned. Stupid things could mean dangerous things. Dangerous things are bad. She is already placing herself in a somewhat vulnerable situation, she certainly doesn't need the addition of a chemical additive to make it worse.

 

The other thing, you might actually REMEMBER how wickedly awesome your experience was!!!!

 

21. Why doesn't she respond? I need to couple with her now!!!

 

Men, as a collective gender, do not take direction well. I admit it. My penis admits it. We like to forge new paths, be trailblazers, and we hate to read stuff. We especially hate to read stuff. Reading stuff is for girls. Girls know that. That's why they force us to read. To humiliate us. To make us appear more stupid than we... wait, we are pretty stupid.

 

Let's face it. Men do things because we think we already know how to do things. Providers are girls. This is their chance to torment us. It's okay though. They will touch our wieners. That makes us happy. We just have to follow instructions.... arrrRRRRRrrrggggh. I hate reading instructions. I love when she touches my wiener. Mental battle..... dammit. Must resist. Nope. Wiener wins.... ALL THE TIME.

 

Okay. Read the instructions. WTF? No PMs??? I have been sitting here with a blue pill induced RAGING erection for 3 hours and she doesn't want me to PM? Oh my god. No wonder I can never see Alotta Fagina. She doesn't take PMs. What else won't she accept? No emails??? No blocked calls, no private numbers???

 

Guys... when it comes to the hobby, we have to obey the rules. To obey the rules, we actually have to READ the RULES. If we could make our penisisisiesisisis read the rules that would be better, but the one eyed python of love is blind. Big head has to obey.

 

She has preferred methods of contact. Read em. Understand em. Use em. Your wiener will thank you.

 

22. I suspect you may clone me. May I have my used condom?

 

Dude. Seriously? Do you have like a used condom hall of fame?

 

Guys, no one wants to store your jizz. Alotta Fagina does not have secret contacts with a mad scientist who pays her for your splooge. There is no secret conspiracy to place your spunk at the scene of a major crime.

 

Conspiracy theories are fun... now run back to your basement and get the foil helmet on lickety-split!!!

 

ohhhh.... there's more.

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