General Questions

Hello,

I am interested in meeting with a service provider with husband (with focus on me) but convincing husband has been not as easy. His main concerns is that the industry is not regulated, so he has questions about safety (sexual and otherwise, although I would say the service providers themselves also must stake precautions in this industry) and exploitation.

Any tips to convince him? Is there a way to verify that a sp is clean? (also a way for sp to verify clients are clean?) Is recommendations the best way?

I mean no disrespect as I hope most women here are not being exploited and here by choice, and these the women i am interested in meeting with)

Thanks for replies and all my relations,

jenn

Obviously there's no practical way for anyone to conclusively verify if any potential sexual partner is "clean".

The good news is that reputable service providers are generally experts on sexual health, and tend to be very rigorous in engaging in safe sexual practices. Their business and income depends on it, after all.

We all know that there is no such thing as absolutely risk-free interpersonal sex. Talk to the provider(s) you are interested in, and politely and respectfully discuss your concerns with them. Don't ask them if they are clean - that's a question with no real up-side. Anyone can say yes they are, after all. Any health test result is valid only at the moment in time the test applies to, and becomes outdated after the next sexual partner. The thing to talk about is safe sexual practices - in such a way as to recognize that the provider you are interested in has an attitude and approach to sexual health that is compatible with that of you and your husband.

There's also no absolute way to guarantee that any provider is not being exploited "behind the scenes". My own personal feeling is that providers with an established track record, and who have participated on Cerb for an appreciable length of time, are less likely to be engaging in this business against their will. The character of many ladies' posts on the board convey a clear impression that they have freely choosen their occupation.

In the end, however, the only thing any client is fully in control of is their own behaviour. It is important that, no matter who the provider is, that each of us, as clients, treat her with respect - and, above all, treat her in such a way that we are not adding to any potential pre-existing distress that might possibly be present in her situation, of which we aren't aware.

Unfortunately I can't say I have any tips to convince him. Short of having a dinner date with a SP you are into and having her work her magic.

As for regulation, would he object if both of you were in New Zealand or Australia or Germany or Aruba or Nevada where it is regulated ?

I am interested in meeting with a service provider with husband (with focus on me) but convincing husband has been not as easy. His main concerns is that the industry is not regulated, so he has questions about safety (sexual and otherwise, although I would say the service providers themselves also must stake precautions in this industry) and exploitation.

jenn

You've had excellent responses from WrinkledinTime and etasman, already, Jenn. I agree with everything they've said.

There's really no way to be sure that anyone is free of sexually transmissible infections. You can't know about us, and we can't know about you, either. That's why we each need to take steps to ensure that our own health and safety are fully protected. Studies have shown, however, that the chances of contracting an STI are lower with an independent paid companion than with someone you might meet at a bar or social gathering.

Some of the finest ladies on this board are in Ottawa. Most have been in the industry for several years or more. When you become familiar with them, I'm sure you'll find that the notion that they could be exploited by anyone is the farthest thing from your mind!

Most paid companions have "social rates." What we mean by that is that we charge a lower fee to meet with potential clients, often but not always in public, for completely non-erotic purposes. Things like having lunch or dinner qualify. I suggest that when you find someone who seems to be the kind of woman you'd like to get to know, discuss the options with her. She will welcome your inquiries and want to do her best to help everyone feel comfortable.

Every one of us is different and we all approach things differently, based on our comfort levels and yours, too. You'll likely find that most companions will want to be sure that you, the woman, are comfortable with them. They'll be pleased to meet with you, knowing that the possibility of an engagement with you and your spouse is your idea. We're sometimes approached by men who hope to create a "surprise" threesome involving their partners without their prior knowledge. Most of us feel that's a bad idea. I think you'll find that the great majority of us are very protective of other women, in general, and have enormous respect for wives in particular. We're not at all interested in coerced sex, with anyone!

Some of us may want to meet with you, alone, first, before meeting with you and your husband. Others will be happy to see you both, together. I'd suggest you decide what you want to do based on how you feel with the companion of your choice.

It sounds like you're looking for some fun, exciting ways to expand your horizons! I wish you all the best--you've come to the right place to get some help!

Yes, in an enterprise such as this, everyone should takes steps to be careful that their partner is on the same page.

I'm certainly no expert on human behaviour, but I'd tend to think that a threesome which includes a paid companion as the third would carry less potential for emotional complications, relationship messiness, and other risks than might a threesome which includes a non-paid civilian as the third. With a paid companion, the lines are clearer from everyone's perspective. For example, a paid companion has no ambition to overstep the agreed-upon bounds and insinuate herself into your real life and relationship - a paid companion, so the saying goes, is "paid to go away". Motivations of a civilian third-party would be open to a greater range of ultimately uncomfortable possibilities.

The agency vs indy thing is often raised, and it can sometimes come across as a bit of a stereotype. By itself, this distinction isn't a good test of whether an exploitative situation might exist or not. Many behind-the-scenes exploiters advertise the provider that they are exploiting as an indy.

You have raised a fascinating topic here, as well as questions and scenarios that I am certain are rather common.

My first thought is in reply to your question about looking for "tips to convince him." I believe that if the intent of that comment is to try to convince him that the act is something that he should take part in with you against his objections, then please I think proceed very very carefully. A marriage is a partnership and with all partnerships requires give and take and negotiation and compromise, but if he does not want anything to do with this on a moral or emotional level, then that may be on utmost importance.

If however his concerns are solely health and safety related, then that is an entirely different issue that I feel that I can address with some level of confidence.

You will find as you read here and as you do actually meet some of the women who are involved in the industry that they all have various reasons for having started initially. With certainty there are those who began out of a sense of desperation due to circumstances, but that probably is not what I have perceived as the reason that many are in the business or remain in the business.

A general statement of course, but most of the women that I have met I truly believe are here by personal choice, with a fun and positive attitude towards what they do and they take great enjoyment and pleasure from it. That is so very far from the styereotype that I carried when I entered this world myself, much to my great relief.

You are correct that this world is not regulated on an official level, but the CERB community in itself, if one thinks about it, does regulate itself to a certain degree by trying to ensure a safe and positive online community of people that you can interact with. So your registration with CERB is indeed an excellent first step.

On more than one occassion here it has been pointed out that by involving oneself in this community as opposed to meeting with strangers in a bar situation, one is involving themselves with well respected, professional, healthy and health concious women. They take their own safety very seriously and for you and your husband as potential clients that is a very important factor.

If you read the forum contributions for a while, peruse the ads, make personal contact with individual women that may take your interest, do your research, and work to develop a comfort level with a particular lady, then your efforts will pay off for you and your husband and the lady that you meet with. Take your time and there are many women that will meet with you both prior to an encounter to ensure that there is mutual comfort level by everyone involved.

Finally on a personal note, what you are considering to do with your husband as an active participant, is something, perhaps one of the only things, that I can look back upon with regret for not having done with my wife while she was living. My wife and I did talk of exactly this fantasy but did not act upon it, not because either of us were averse to it, but rather because we had no idea that a CERB existed. If we had known and if we had realized that it is as safe and personal as it is, then that would be one thing that we would have done without question.

Best of luck with your decision and welcome to CERB.

Hello,

 

I am interested in meeting with a service provider with husband (with focus on me) but convincing husband has been not as easy. His main concerns is that the industry is not regulated, so he has questions about safety (sexual and otherwise, although I would say the service providers themselves also must stake precautions in this industry) and exploitation.

 

Any tips to convince him? Is there a way to verify that a sp is clean? (also a way for sp to verify clients are clean?) Is recommendations the best way?

 

I mean no disrespect as I hope most women here are not being exploited and here by choice, and these the women i am interested in meeting with)

 

Thanks for replies and all my relations,

 

jenn

...The agency vs indy thing is often raised, and it can sometimes come across as a bit of a stereotype. By itself, this distinction isn't a good test of whether an exploitative situation might exist or not. Many behind-the-scenes exploiters advertise the provider that they are exploiting as an indy.

Agreed, sorry, wasn't meant to propagate the stereotype at all. I guess while we all agree that exploitation continues to exist at some level in this industry, it is difficult for me to imagine that those super stars like the very respected and highly reputable ladies of CERB could be easily associated with this.

They spend much of their days creating the most pleasant of in-call locations and providing not 5 star but rather 10 star levels of service and professionalism on so many levels.

A "reasonable assumption" then is that such dedication, professionalism, and superior level of service can only be accomplished if their heart is really in it but of course there will always be exceptions or things that appear to be what they are not.

I also agree with your point about a paid companion being a better choice for this but the relationship hazards still do exist in this circumstance, unless of course two of the three people in the room are paid companions :) and even then but just in a different way.

... it is difficult for me to imagine that those independent super stars like the very respected and highly reputable ladies of CERB could be easily associated with this...

As my first post on this thread indicates, my own imagination is also in agreement with this ... except that, once again, I would personally choose to delete the limiting-word "independent" from this statement. There have been a number of super-stars of Cerb over the years who've made wonderful, shining, personable contributions to the board ... who've at the same time operated as "agency ladies".

Okay, I'm finally going to try to shut up about this now, ha ha ...

There are some terrific agencies, to be sure, and they have wonderful women working for them, too. A lot of women prefer to work for an agency because it's less isolating, someone else can look after the advertising and screening, some agencies provide beautiful, appropriate places for companions to work and many companions feel safer because someone always knows where they are and may be providing additional security measures for them. A good, reputable agency is a terrific place for someone to start working in our industry--no question about it--and lots of fine women work with agencies for their entire career.

There are no guarantees in life, though, particularly in human relationships. While it's true that the great majority of paid companions are professional women with good personal boundaries and clear personal objectives, we're also real people with real emotions. People fall in love sometimes. Things can happen that no one anticipates or would have planned. That's how life goes sometimes. At best, all we can say is that some things are unlikely or improbable.

If there were no risks in life, there wouldn't be any adventures, either! Still, look both ways when crossing streets, lock your doors at night, wash your hands frequently, practice safer sex and don't risk what you can't afford to lose.

I am interested in meeting with a service provider with husband (with focus on me) but convincing husband has been not as easy.... jenn

Actually, given that you say "with focus on me", your description says "w4w" and given all the other discussion that has occurred on this thread I do wonder why take on the hazard and risk of involving him at all? With the "focus on me", he is sure to be affected in a negative way, perhaps more so than if he were to eventually discover you went it alone behind his back so to speak.

You should certainly consider that when most married men see an SP, they don't invite their wife along. Given that many men see an SP for something that is lacking in their marriage, shouldn't this work the other way around also?

I learned a lot from my thread "Oh no! Cheating husbands??!?" even if my questions were too complex.

Just a final thought. I don't want to encourage or discourage or judge anyone but thought the "it should work both ways" point should be present.

Thank you everyone, this certainly helps. Talking him into the idea is not hard, he likes the idea, especially as it fulfills a sexual need of mine that he cannot, but he is just cautious. He's also cheap lol when he found out the going rate he was pretty surprised, which is when I got to explain again that we are talking about women with sophistication etc.

Anyway thanks, I'll send him what Samantha wrote, and if more SPs respond it will help me get a better general idea. (although cool for other responses too, lots of good information!)

Cheers,

jenn

Interesting backrub but alas, no secrets in the marriage. He may even agree to me going alone but I would never do it without talking to him, it's just the way we've been for 14 years, no secrets.

And the reason we say focus on me is because I have the desire to be with a woman, but he would have no problem watching for the most part or having some involvement but yes it is more W4W in our situation.

Thanks.

Interesting backrub but alas, no secrets in the marriage. He may even agree to me going alone but I would never do it without talking to him, it's just the way we've been for 14 years, no secrets.

And the reason we say focus on me is because I have the desire to be with a woman, but he would have no problem watching for the most part or having some involvement but yes it is more W4W in our situation.

Thanks.

Well I think that is really nice (no secrets) and I'm not saying that this applies to your circumstance (or anyone's) but we do know a couple that we are good friends of ours with who went down this very road. The husband was very much onside perhaps too much so. In the end, the jealously and many other hazardous feelings kicked in, they are now separated (divorce proceedings in progress) and she is living with her new female partner while he goes though a series of girlfriends - it made us very sad. I irony for me was that before this I thought they were the model couple and had something special and was even a little envious of the great marriage they had.

I wouldn't want to see this happen to you and it won't no matter what you decide as long as you understand all the complex dynamics and risks and manage the risks ahead of time.

My wife is disabled and unable so she often encourages me to "Get a girlfriend" or "see someone" and has even offered to finance a "professional" companion on occasion. I never admit to doing this as it would just make her feel more inadequate then she already does. If she knew I was with a SP her mind would be racing wondering what was going on and of course if she was with me, well that would be even more hurtful. No doubt in my mind that SPs have saved our marriage but in order for it to work for us, there has to be the don't ask, don't tell policy.

would not dream of it, can't believe people do!